my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
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