I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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