You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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