My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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