I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
