It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Randomize
