winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
