he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Randomize
