I need to stop coming to work sober
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
