if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
