If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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