I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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