I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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