I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
