I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
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That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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