just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
