I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
i believe in u and ur pee
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
