how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
