i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
