Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Randomize
