I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
