Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
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