I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
