yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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