Your mouth is God's brothel.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
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We talked him into tasing himself.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
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drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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