Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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