ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Randomize
