Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Randomize
