Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
