I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
