im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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