when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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