i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
