Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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