I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
