Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
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