Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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