i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
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In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
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If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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