I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
