Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
