My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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