How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
