So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
All the doctor said was why
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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