When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
