Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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