My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
