If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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