Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
