he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
