he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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