i wish starbucks made bloody marys
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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