Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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