I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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