Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
3 2 1 whiskey
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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