i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
