It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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