someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I just saw a hot homeless man
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
