I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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